Tuesday, 11 February 2014

ME2 Side Character Rhapsody (a spoof of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)

My new box has arrived.

While I'm cleaning out my old PC and moving data around, I was going over some silly things I wrote in between trying to mentally deal with the Great Experience that was ME2. This involved that Fandub thing I tried. Man, fans do stupid things.

And I found this gem.

I thought it would've been fun to get the voice actors to sing this out, but it never panned. Probably (definitely) for the best.



Text on screen: Loading Side Character from archive.  Running file.
(Legion)
Is this science fiction?
Or just science fantasy?
Caught in an explosion,
No escape from this gravity (Shows Shepard hitting the planet)
(Miranda)
Open your eyes, look up my nose and see, (Miranda operating table scene)

(On the 4 piano chords, we see a piano with 4 Bioware Writers sitting at it, bashing their heads into the keyboard.)

I'm just a rich girl, with a poor family
Because I'm an ice queen
With nice hips
I don’t care
Who he picks (each line: camera looks at Jack, then Kelly, then Tali, then Miranda crying over her desk & Shepard looking over her, confused, in that normal office perspective conversation)

(Joker)
Any way this ship goes doesn't really matter to me (Shepard's still confused. We see the dialog wheel, with the Alliance, Cerberus, Paragon, and Renegade logos as options)
or EDI (zoom out to see Joker and EDI just look at each other, and Joker shrugs his shoulders while the piano plays)

(Miranda)
PAPA.  Just killed a man
He always was suspect
If you touch my sister,
then you’re next (Shows Miranda killing Wilson)

(Thane)
Arashu, Asari’s live so long,
But now I've gone and taken them all away (scene of him killing Nassana, Kasumi loots the body)
(Kolyat)
PAPA, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
(Thane)
Didn't mean to make you cry, (they're both hugging)
(Kolyat)
If I'm not done community service this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, cause the side characters don't really matter
(Garus)
Sidonis, your time has come, (We see Garrus looking down his scope and firing)
(Thane)
Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all
the time (Thane’s sitting next to Sidonis as his head explodes. Thane gets splashed by blood but doesn’t care, Kasumi loots the body)
Goodbye, Siha, I've got to go, (Thane stands up, and we see him singing, as the camera zooms out above him. Then, Jack in the foreground “I wanna blow shit up!”)
Gotta say hello to Kalahira and enter the ocean
(Grunt and Jack, now in the foreground, both cheer when an explosion happens in the background)
(Morinth)
Mama, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! I just wanna get high!
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at --BOOM! (Shepard shoots her, Kasumi loots the body)

(musical interlude)

(Conrad)
I see a little silhouetto of a Commander She--,
(Everyone)
Conrad Verner, Conrad Verner, will you dance like a fanboy-o! (Shepard shoots Conrad's feet as he dances)

(Harbinger)
Thunderbolts and lightning (Picture of Collector cruiser.)
(Jack)
not very frightening
(Grunt)
me!

(Mordin)
Isaac Newton.
(Jacob)
Jacob Taylor!
(Tali)
Isaac who-ton?
(Liara)
It's Isaac Newton! (Liara pushes away Jacob)
(Legion)
Isaac Newton is in space!
(Anderson)
Son of ah-ah-ah-ah--!
(Miranda)
I'm just a rich girl nobody loves me (Miranda typing at her desk again, then crying again)
(Everyone)
She's just a rich bitch from a poor family, (at the end of this line, pan to the left which is hte previous scene, where Miranda was at her desk, and she quickly says "hey!")
Sparing his life from this monstrosity (Miranda and Jacob are looking over Shepard's body, then a doctor's hand in the foreground sticks out a book called PLOT. At end the of "monstrosity", Miranda and Jacob all shriek)

(random Collector mook)
Easy come, easy go, will you release control? (Several Collectors gets head shot at the piano, as the last sits there and sings this line)
(Harbinger)
Har-bin-ger
No, I won't release control!
(random Collector mooks)
Release control!
(Harbinger)
Har-bin-ger!
No, I won't release control.
(random Collector mooks)
Release control!
(Harbinger)
Har-bin-ger!
No, I won't release control.
(random Collector mooks)
Release control!
(Harbinger)
No.
(random Collector mooks)
Release control!
(Harbinger)
Silence!
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Grunt)
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Thane)
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Garrus)
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Tali)
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Jack)
(Harbinger)
No. (Picture of Miranda posing)
(Harbinger)
*gasps* (Picture of Shepard)
(Grunt)
Oh Samara, Oh Samara, what the hell is going on?

(Samara)
The Illusive Man, has Shepard put aside for he, for he, for he! (Samara points to the Human Reaper.)

(Legion dancing)

(Zaeed)
So you think you can stop me and shoot out my eye? (Zaeed screaming and firing wildly at at Vito as he escapes)
(Zaeed)
So you thought you could Paragon me but left me to die! (Zaeed’s “Shepard!” death scene.)
(Zaeed)
Oy, Harbinger!
What the bloody hell is that? (Stops firing and points to the Human Reaper as Zaeed gets crushed by rubble)
(Joker)
OMG we gotta get out, we gotta out of--OMG WE'RE GONNA DIE!  WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE NOW! (We see the Normandy go into light speed as the base explodes.)

(musical interlude. Jack and Grunt going “Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!”)

(Miranda)
None of us really matter, not even T'soni,
(Jack)
None of us really matter,
(Miranda and Jack)
None of us really matter, except Tali (Miranda and Jack are seen crying and hugging each other.)
(Tali)
Huh? (Tali standing with Legion)
(Legion)
Any way the velocity of two atmospheric pressure systems achieve a spontaneous vector goes

(after a pause)
(Tali)
Dark energy!

4 comments:

  1. Or, at the end, you could have sang:

    Nothing really matters, not even DLC
    Nothing really matters, nothing really matters...in M.E. threeeeeee...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Updated. Was trying to keep it ME2.

      Delete
  2. Have you no shame? That looked awesome inside my brain.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hands down the best thing I have seen in a long while. I do admit though that I've always had a soft spot for the Rhapsody.

    ReplyDelete